It is said that grief is love with nowhere to go—a hard truth for adults to sit with and an even harder one for a child. While youngsters grieve the passing of a loved one, they also experience intense emotions if they change schools, move to another home, say goodbye to a best friend or even if they have to change a familiar routine. Parents often want to fix the sadness or rush kids past it, but a better choice is to give them the tools to hold both sadness and love.

“Children grieve very differently than adults,” says Geralyn Cappabianca, a board-certified chaplain, teacher and author of Memoirs of a Hospital Chaplain. “Their emotional and cognitive development is not mature enough to process the intense feelings that grief brings. Many times, it is years later when they can emotionally grieve the loss.” At 14, Cappabianca lost her father, and her family sold their home and moved to another country, forcing her to leave her friends, extended family and school. “Whatever the type of loss, whether it’s the loss of a person, a move, loss of a pet or changing schools, the grief process is the same,” she believes.

Child development experts have observed that youngsters process fear, loss and confusion far more naturally with play and hands-on activities than with conversation alone. Dr. Nancy Carlsson-Paige, an early-childhood development expert and professor emerita at Lesley University, has researched and written about how young children use creative play to make sense of  potentially overwhelming events, reduce anxiety and cope with trauma. Activities like building a memory box, listening to a story or singing a song allows them to begin to experience grief or trauma even before they have the words to name it. Connection can come before conversation.

 

The Gratitude Memory Box

Creating a gratitude memory box is a simple, tangible way to honor a beloved person, pet, place or chapter of life. To make one, choose a container such as a shoebox, small wooden chest or tin container and invite the child to decorate it with paint, stickers or drawings. Gather meaningful items like photos, toys, leaves or dried flowers, a collar or pet tag, and handwritten recollections.

For parents worried about pushing a child before they are ready, Cappabianca advises that they take cues from the child. A parent may want to build their own memory box first, and then invite the child to help. “Children learn how to grieve from watching those around them,” she notes.

According to Cappabianca, a memory box allows children to begin grieving early and safely. It provides a creative outlet for kids to express their emotions, validating their grief, even if the loss feels small to an adult. It teaches the child that love and gratitude can coexist alongside sadness. The memory box provides the child with a private space to revisit memories whenever they want. The family may choose to gather together in a shared ritual to add items to the box, sit quietly together or talk about memories associated with the contents of the box.

 

The Power of Song and Stories

Sometimes, direct questions about the loss—such as “Are you sad?” or “Do you want to talk about it?”—are hard for a child to answer. That is the thinking behind The Healing Chickadee  (HealingChickadee.com), a program built around a plush bird, music and story, co-founded by Terry Murphy. “The child doesn’t necessarily have to sit across from an adult and answer questions about grief,” she writes. “Instead, they can cuddle the chickadee, talk about the bird, tell a story about it or simply sit quietly with it.”

A trusted adult might invite the child outside to look for a real chickadee together, and in that shared, side-by-side activity, something unexpected may happen. “While looking for birds, a child might begin talking about the person they miss,” Murphy notes, although she’s careful to add, “All of those responses can be okay,” including not talking about the loss at all.

Music can play a similar role. Murphy points to David Friedman’s song It’s Not Bad to Be Sad as one that “gives sadness a place rather than treating it as something that needs to be immediately fixed or pushed away.” Another Friedman song, Help Is on the Way, is built around reassurance and hope. Together, Murphy says, the two songs offer a grieving child the message that “It is okay to be sad, and you don’t have to face that sadness alone.”

 

Starting the Conversation

Invite, rather than force, the conversation. Try open-ended questions like: What do you want to remember most? What would you like to say thank-you for? What do you think the bird in the story is feeling? Would you rather draw this memory or listen to a song about it instead of talking? A memory box, story or song will not take away a child’s grief, but each can give them somewhere to put it and something to hold onto while they carry it.

Christina Connors is a professional singer, a burnout prevention specialist, and CEO and executive director of Soulful Forest, Inc. Learn more at SoulfulForestinc.org.